I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
