you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
