Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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