In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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