my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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