I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
