May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
