Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
