i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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