How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
