Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
