Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
