This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
