god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
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