you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
