My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
