Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
