remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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