I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
