Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
