Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
