He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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