They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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