im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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