Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
