Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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