We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
