he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
