K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
