My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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