while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
