I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
