I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
