Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
