I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
