i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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