This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
pray to the hookup gods
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize