clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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