i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
