I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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