I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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