Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
