I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
