I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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