I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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