Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize