Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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