I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
