yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
