pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize