hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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