I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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