sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
