I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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