My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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