I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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