Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize