My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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