Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
