I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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