Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wish my penis had a tongue
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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