that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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