if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
